I’ve recently started attending live workshops by Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) and they’ve been excellent in helping me develop my parenting practice.
When I have time with my beautiful Sage (4) and Nova (3), I’m mostly alone, which brings a unique set of challenges. Among them, the lack of ability to step away in those moments that are difficult.
I wanted to write up the most useful pair of things I’ve learnt as both recurring trends in these workshops and things I’ve actually put into action and had a tremendous impact on our time together.
- If you know something will stress you out, understand how you can control the environment to minimize the stress.
- Understand what are the actual demands of the situation are.
Example 1: The Need of a Clean Body
Nova goes through periods of not wanting to get in the bath. It’s clear it’s going to be a real big issue and in the past I’d insist even if she has a meltdown.
But the demand of the situation isn’t that she gets in the bath but instead that her body is clean. A flannel wash meets that need and works great on those days where hair doesn’t need to be washed.
Example 2: We’re Going to Be Late
The idea of being late is something that I know stresses me out, especially in the morning with a hard cut-off for arriving at daycare.
So I control the environment through routine and simply ✨ leaving earlier ✨
All of the preparation for the morning is done the night before - their clothes are picked out and laid out, bags are packed if needed. We get up at the same time, we have the same cuddle, we get dressed in the same place, brush our teeth and hair together, and out the door. They know the routine and so do I, and it doesn’t involve going to the living room where their toys are.
I also know that Nova in particular might not want to take the short walk to the tram. Not only does giving us loads of time provide the buffer to limit stress, but I always leave the house with some items (stickers and snacks) to help incentivise and reinforce good behaviors.
Example 3: Not In My Bed
Bluntly, I’m cranky when I sleep poorly and children don’t inspire a good night of sleep. So to control the environment there is a simple rule we’ve all agreed to - you’re not allowed in daddy’s bed.
The moment they touch it, at any hour, they’re reminded that they’re not allowed on it. A boundary held and understood. There are two well-defined exceptions: 10 minutes every morning where they climb in and we have a big cuddle and talk, and when they’re sick.
I have a way to spin up a quick ‘bed’ on the floor where I have a soft rug if they don’t want to be in their bed. That’s another part of controlling the environment. And it works great.
Example 4: Audio Sensory Overload
This one I’ve just had suggested, and haven’t yet used, but I have an auditory sensory issue when there are multiple sources of sound happening. It can be as simple as cross-talking in conversations, but with the kids it revolves around their audio player.
I love having the player, and all of their toys, in-reach and accessible, but when one kid wants to start playing audio and the other is already engaged in TV, it’s tough.
The demand of this situation is my own - to not be overloaded. So how can I control the environment to meet the demands? When we’re watching TV, or playing the radio, the player goes out of reach and we’ll talk about the reason why.
Game Changing
Two simple questions - what are the demands, and how can I remove stress through intentionality - have been huge for me. I hope you find them helpful, too.